Breakups- Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive

I think we can all agree that breakups can be some of the most painful experiences we go through in adulthood. Whether a breakup comes as a surprise, has been long overdue, or ends mutually, feelings are often hurt, tangled, and complicated. Whenever I sit down with a client who is in the midst of going through a breakup, I almost always hear “how long do you think it will take until I get over this?” I always wish I had a better answer to this question. 
 
Whether or not you are the initiator or “victim” of a breakup, it’s no doubt that it is very painful on either side. Being hurt by the one you love or hurting the one you love is never an easy thing to do or to go through. Often there is a feeling of stuck-ness on how to move forward and on from the relationship. Every relationship is unique and comes with its own feelings and complications, but self-care is always so imperative for anyone going through the loss of a relationship. Being able to reflect on what helps you to relax and unplug is crucial. It could be a walk around the block, a workout class, drinks with a friend, or time spent in nature. There will be times where you are overwhelmed with emotion and needing a positive outlet, and having some go-to’s in your bag can be helpful during these times. 
 
Another thing I always recommend to clients is journaling their thoughts and feelings that come up. Aside from therapy being a wonderful place to process all that goes on for us when we lose or end a relationship, being able to get out of our head and onto paper can be another outlet to helping us further sort through what’s going on for us. Another word to the wise: you will probably get bombarded with all kinds of advice from friends, family members, co-workers, etc. It’s great to have people in your life to talk to about how you’re feeling, but remember that anyone can give advice, but you are the one that has to handle the consequences of taking or not taking that advice. All of our friends want us to feel better and heal, but don’t feel guilty about still experiencing feelings of wanting to be with the other person, or needing a generous amount of time to heal. Everyone moves at their own pace, and being patient with yourself can be tough. 
 
In the era we live in with technology and social media, breakups are even tougher when we can have access to what the other person is doing or who they are hanging out with. Our brain often sees a photo and fills in the blank with the worst possible assumption. Any break and time away from social media can always be helpful and healing. Being able to put down the phone and unplug for a bit can be the difference between a night filled with assumptions and tears, versus a night full of self care and time spent reflecting on how we are feeling and how we want to move forward. Whatever the circumstance, therapy can be a validating and private space to explore and uncover the things we may not be able to say to others in our life.